July 2009
1 post
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Climbing your ribcage.
Geez, you disapear for one measley month and your tumbalarity hits the floor. Come on guys, have some faith! You should have known I’d be back. I think I said only a million times that I was going to be away but I would be back… or maybe that was the other blog. Gah, to many creative outlets to figure out which one holds which thoughts.
I’m feeling a bit better after going to my...
June 2009
30 posts
6 tags
"Welcome to the real world" She said to me.
I’m quite the fan of Mr. Mayer’s old stuff. I don’t know if he was always such an arrogant twat but, if he was, it doesn’t really shine through as obviously back in the day.
I hit a plateau- again! About every 3lbs or so I do. I did my usual weekend binge-purge (its just routine now I think) and am back to restricting again with a less than half a pound weight gain from...
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Accourding to the experts.
I just want to say that the criteria one needs to meet to be diagnosed with an eating disorder is ridiculous if you remember that an eating disorder is first and fore most a disease of the mind. You have to 15% under weight, on most ocassions, to be diagnosed with an eating disorder. This makes it so easy for someone with the problem to deny it to themselves it almost is laughable. I don’t...
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Red lips and finger tips.
Firstly, my title has just reminded me to get some more red nail polish.
Soooo…its Friday, Friday night for me but possibly not for you. I do love Friday’s, especially if I’ve had a good week which, by the way, I have. Well except finding out I have severe clinical depression but I guess that’s just a small “hump” in my week.
I’ve sailed through my...
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“Its true what they say about the simple things, or what the simple things make...”
“The body says what words can not.”
– Martha Graham
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It can't hurt that much...
I really wish people would stop throwing problems out there for reactions. It seems these days everyone has some deep dark secret that leaves them suicidal and self loathing but not so suicidal and self loathing that they can’t share it with the world.
I’ve seen it time and time again. Groups of people sitting around bitching about their lives, trying to out do each other....
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Confidence is nothing like modesty.
Confidence is one thing I’ve been able to hide behind most of my life. Its a good a defense as any. I’m not an honestly confident person but I’ve seen it enough to know how to replicate it. The trip to faking confidence is saying you’re confident, act like an egomaniac and no one has any reason to doubt you. It doesn’t help you win any popularity contests but...
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The Game.
Okay, now I’m not meaning to imply that an eating disorder is one big game but there is a huge level of competitiveness involved. It doesn’t take a genious to see that. I will admit right here, right now that I am very competitive. Perhaps thats why I’m not “involved” in any pro-ana forums/commuities that have group fasts and “Ana Boot Camp” (Refer to...
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The return of the calorie.
I’m down 0.6lbs today from yesterday. I promised myself I wouldn’t weigh myself but I also promised myself a singing career by 16 and that didn’t happen either- shit happens.
I’m making the “wise” decision to return to my restricting. Just to clear things up (incase you think that all I do is fast and binge-purge) a normal day for me, one where I’m not...
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I'm not right but I'm too good to be wrong.
Firstly, didn’t fast yesterday. I am very depressed about that but I’m trying hard not to dwell on the fact. I have been fasting today and still am but I’m giving serious thought to just fasting for today and then restricting for the rest of the week. This might boost my metabolism and avoid another weekend binge where I have to go jean shopping- again.
I’ve also decided...
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I will not hide the sadness in my eyes.
Well my day went from bad to worse. No seriously, this has been a truly horendous day and I should actually kill myself. I won’t though because that would ruin all of god’s fun.
It started off with some weight gain- oh wait, did I say some? Try 2.2lbs! Oh yes, 2.2lbs gained from 5 days of fasting. If that doesn’t make sense to you then imagine how I felt? Pretty fucking...
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This is why you fight it.
Huzzah! Persaverance prevailed and today I am down 2.4lbs. I’m still doubtful about reaching my 20th of June target but at least my spirits have been raised a little. To top it off, its not even lunch time and I’ve gotten my hands on “The Sims 3”.
I am a fanatic. Heck, I’d be playing it right now only it has to load. Don’t expect to hear from me for…hmm,...
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Bone structure.
I decided against eating today. I figure eventually my body will have to catch on that if it wants to make it through the day then its going to have to eat into those plentiful fat stores its got going on. If I don’t lose weight tomorrow though…I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m really starting to panic. Why won’t it go away??? Because I was quiet serious...
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4th day in the "fast" lane?
2nd day in a row my weight has stayed the same. I’m really starting to get depressed. I’ve obviously hit a plataoe and one of the most effective ways to fight one of those is to do the thing I’ve been avoiding for 3 fucking days. So now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place- to eat or not to eat? That is always the question.
I’m really reluctant too because...
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This is not worth it.
I feel like I want to write something. I want to say something but I can’t quiet seem to be able to grasp the words, this one thought thats just bouncing around inside my head and driving me insane.
It feels like being lonely but no, thats not it. I’d say I’m numb but it hurts. Its pulling at my heart, squeezing it, crushing it- I’m pretty sure its breaking it apart. I try...
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You will burn in hell they say.
I’ve started wearing a rosary. No, I’m not particularly religious but I’m not so bold- or foolish -to reject god. Especially now, when I need something to believe in.
My faith has always been internally debated. Do I? Don’t I? Why should I even care? The fact that I’ve never been who I wanted to be made me question him. If you’re so loving father, then why do...
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I might be insane but it blocks the pain.
I’m back from my appointment with the psychologist. No, not a counciler. I was lied to or Mum, who made the appointment, got mixed up and booked something with the wrong someone. I don’t know, but basically I just got told my entire out look on life is wrong. Here’s what I’m looking at- Depression, anxiety, OCD and an eating disorder (obviously). The prospect of medication...
“Never think you’re nothing. Never cry at night over not being pretty enough....”
– Unknown (via creampuff)
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Relationships.
I’m extremely anti-social, I’ve been told this most of my life. I’m about as open as a bank vault. I don’t trust people, I can barely trust myself, why would I let them see me as I really am? A boyfriend is asking for trouble, friendships have been trouble. I spend most of my time pinching the fat on my thighs and sucking in my stomach, I can’t do that and please...
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Fear.
I’ve got a counceling appointment tomorrow…8:30 at night. Not happy about it. Going to cancel- going to do something to get out of it. For the love of everything I must get out of it. I might go missing for the night, yes? Hide myself at my friends or say I rang up and cancelled because of [insert believable reason here]. I can’t go, there are all kinds of things that I...
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“Fuck of all those people who say eating disorders are a “life...”
– Me, inspired by something I saw 2 mothertruckin’ seconds ago.
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The first of the month!
Its the first of the month everyone! Right now if you go onto pro-ana forums and message boards you’ll find an overwhelming amount of posts dedicated to June Goals. My goals for every month are roughly the same- Don’t purge, don’t binge. Since the two are joined at the metaphorical hip if I fuck up one I’ve fucked up the other. I never ever complete these goals so I’m...
May 2009
20 posts
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There's a hole in my head to let this all out.
My “fast” has turned into a liquid fast. I looked dead when I woke up this morning, I felt it too. I’m still suffering from sudden waves of cramp now. What’s even worse is it doesn’t seem to have, uhm, done the trick. I think my bodies trying to decide whether it wants to puke or…evacuate out the back door (wow, way too much information) and until its reached a...
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Stop, drop, rock and roll!
I would like to take a chance to apolagise to my body who is about to be in severe pain from, possibly, a mild laxative overdose. You may not think laxatives are all that lethal but when you take them like sugar-free candy then, yeah, they can be pretty damn devastating for your insides. Add some green tea and you’re in cramp city…which I’m pulling into right. about. now.
...
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My breath breaks your heart, my life makes you...
There are no excuses for today. I can not and will not try and defend myself…except for this- Its not my fault I’m not a good purger when I think people can hear me.
I don’t know. I felt like today was going to be good this morning, so good I thought I could get away with eating a little. I paniced, ate some more (and we’re talking alot more), purged and was done. Mum...
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Just a quickie.
I’ve devised a new plan (funny that I should have the nerve to call theses “plans”). To stop depression from prolonged fasting (which hits me pretty hard) I’m only going to fast twice…maybe three times a week. Every other day is less than 500cals. I purged again today so its a fast tomorrow. I’m expecting weight gain tomorrow but only water weight gained back...
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I'll always remember you like a child girl.
Sleeping is damn near impossible. My head just won’t switch off, its almost as if it goes into overdrive when it hits the pillow. At about 3:30am I’ll doze off but not well, I toss and turn and wake up and go to sleep and wake up and at 7am I’m up again and I drag myself to the bathroom to weigh in and shower and then collapse on the bed again. Finally able to sleep but missing...
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You are the most beautiful disaster I've ever...
My mums just discovered I’m failing all my subjects. Not just some but all. Its not because I’m a moron, its because I’m never there. I’m expecting a screaming match when she gets home in about…an hour an a half. I’m prepping myself to be completley submisive. If I heat myself up and get all emotional I’m going to binge-purge and, obviously, I’m on a...
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Are you implying something about me?
I haven’t eaten again. 3 days now. I know I said I was going to eat today but last night…or more v. early this morning I pictured my self trying to eat a teaspoon full of my oatmeal. Even in my head I gagged on, and spat out the food. When the time came for me to eat it…well, I didn’t even consider it. Wasn’t going to happen, I just knew it wasn’t going to...
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Where are you going with that?
I could really use a cigarette right about now. Its 5 o’clock in the afternoon and I’ve yet to eat. I don’t really want to not eat today but its always a hard thing for me to eat after a fast, I’m scared of ruining the work from the day before. I’ve made 2 attempts at eating toast but I just chewed and then spat them into a coffee cup. I’m more worried for...
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Wish you would step back from that ledge my...
Barely back from a gym session. An hour and a half on an empty stomach has burnt me 600cals (give or take) which is damn good for me since I’m not the most fitness forward type of person. Although, when I look down at the screen of the treadmil and realise that on level 8 and an elivation of 1 I can burn 100cals in less than 10 mintues its pretty easy to push myself because really, what is...
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The morning after is always harder.
Excuse me for being grogy and unresponsive. I went to the party, I went to that damn 18th! Okay, it wasn’t that bad but my friend was. She got so drunk and told everyone how much she loved them, crawled and climbed over our bodies and then I got complained to about it like I’m her baby sitter or something. Kind of ruined my night. I didn’t get drunk, I drank but I didn’t...
How about another time.
I’m down 1.35lbs since yesterday. This puts me at my lowest weight since recovery so I had a little jump for joy when I saw that on the scale. Of course though my mood has dampened since then, I’m exhuasted. I went to the gym today to run (my favorite pass time) and its drained me to within an inch of my life and in roughly 2 hours I’m going to an 18th.
I don’t really want...
Not cool.
The thought of losing so little nagged away at me and I caved. I ate…alot. Although, I admit, its not one of my worst binges. Probably just over 1’600 calories but I ate that in about…15 minutes so its still pretty bad. Got it all up in about 15 minutes to. Managed to purge down to almost this mornings weight with the exception of 0.8lbs but I’m praying thats water weight....
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You're understated, I understand.
I’m a little, no, alot annoyed by how little I lost from restricting. I lose more when I just binge-purge. Its so tempting right now to eat everything in my cupboard and then throw it all up because I know I’ll have lost weight tomorrow because of it…and I get to eat what ever I want.
I’m odd, I love my food. Infact I’d go so far as to say I’m obsessed with...