Where are you going with that?

I could really use a cigarette right about now. Its 5 o’clock in the afternoon and I’ve yet to eat. I don’t really want to not eat today but its always a hard thing for me to eat after a fast, I’m scared of ruining the work from the day before. I’ve made 2 attempts at eating toast but I just chewed and then spat them into a coffee cup. I’m more worried for tomorrow, tomorrow I really, really won’t want to eat and it only gets worse from there. I want to break it before I get to the point where eating is enough to make me want to kill myself.

Then again, I’ve made it this far and eating right now could just encourage a binge and I’d sooner starve to death than wish a binge upon myself (or anyone for that matter). I promise though I’ll eat right off the bat tomorrow. I’ll have some oatmeal for breakfast (133cals) and my can of mixed chinese vegetables that I found the other day for dinner(the whole can is only 48 calories). I’m happy just so long as I stay below 500cals and don’t gain weight. Speaking of weight, down 1.32lbs today. I suppose there is a possibility its more given how much I’ve been drinking the past 2 days. Lots of green tea and coke zero. I’m a creature of habit.

Oh, my friend is competing with me in weight loss. Anyone reading this who has an eating disordered friend/family member, don’t do this! We are not ‘dieting buddies’ or ‘gym mates’. She’s made me feel contagious and sick to my stomach. I feel uncomfortable talking to her about food and weight and I’ve taken to lying and telling her I’m eating alot more than I am but having her think I could eat so much without purging makes me feel sick too. She’s cornered me and I’m retreating into myself again. A couple weeks ago I had finally talked myself into speaking with a counciler and now she’s very quickley snapped me out of it because I’m terrified that everyone who finds out is going to start racing me to some phantom GW. I feel like the disease, not someone who has the disease.

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