Thin as a Dime

Are you implying something about me?

I haven’t eaten again. 3 days now. I know I said I was going to eat today but last night…or more v. early this morning I pictured my self trying to eat a teaspoon full of my oatmeal. Even in my head I gagged on, and spat out the food. When the time came for me to eat it…well, I didn’t even consider it. Wasn’t going to happen, I just knew it wasn’t going to happen.

Sleep is becoming near impossible. Even more so than before. For the first time since my botched up recovery I got up at 2am and arranged all the food in my cupboard. First by colour, then calories, fat, eventually I settled for size. There is now a neat little stair case in my cupboard that took me half an hour to create. I’m going to have to admit now that I loved it. I loved touching every single item in there and moving them around to create something tidy and clean. This is how I used to behave during the peak of my eating disorder nearly 2 years ago. Maybe I’m just petrified that eating something will leave me purging. I know I’m petrified of getting fat. I’m scared of losing control of my body. My body! Which I should have constant control over and how it acts, how it feels, how it looks but its becoming less of a decision and more of an impulse these days.

Sometimes I hope I do never eat again and that eventually it will just kill me. I want to starve or binge or purge myself to death sometimes because a part of me, a very large part of me, knows that for the rest of my life I’m just going to be bouncing between insanity and oblivioun. And should one day I decide to eat right I know I’m going to have to be constantly reminding myself to do it. I’m never going to be comfortable just eating, I’m too aware of the consequences. Even right now my Mum is telling me to eat her pumpkin soup and all I’m thinking about it whether she’ll hear me throw it back up in the bathroom on my side of the house. Now all I want to do is eat it and throw it up, I want to binge-purge. Now I’m hungry and then chances of me binge-purging have just sky rocketed to about 89% but as long as I weigh less on that scale tomorrow I’ll be happy. If I do binge-purge tonight I’ll fast again tomorrow. No biggy, lets roll one and all, I’m insane after all.

This is probably the end of my fast I guess- Over 72 hours if we want to be really technical. I’m already planning my binge for when Mum goes to bed, but then I’m pretty tired myself. I could always end up going to bed first. I’m kind of hoping. Hope with me won’t you.