You are the most beautiful disaster I’ve ever cleaned up.

My mums just discovered I’m failing all my subjects. Not just some but all. Its not because I’m a moron, its because I’m never there. I’m expecting a screaming match when she gets home in about…an hour an a half. I’m prepping myself to be completley submisive. If I heat myself up and get all emotional I’m going to binge-purge and, obviously, I’m on a 3 day fast which so far is going swimmingly.

I am annoyed though. I do actually want to yell at her. I want to know why she’s avoiding the real issue and substituting it with school- which is a symptom of the real issue. My Mum knows I have an eating disorder, I’ve been this way for 3 years now (6 in theory), its a hard thing to miss and just incase she did I straight out told her and the only time she brings it up is to use it against me in sarcastic quips to try and belittle me. I’ve asked for counceling (which her work provides free for employees and the family of) but she always ‘forgets’, says something like ‘remind me in the morning’. How a parent forgets that they have a messed up child is truly beyond me. I’ll never say any of this though because deep down I’m scared she actually will get me help, which a year ago I might have wanted but now I’d like to steer clear. What I want now is for her to stop treating it like a phase, to acknowledge that I have a dangerous way of coping and that maybe, just maybe, she should be less critical of the things I do and more supportive, or suggestive, in the things I can/want to do.

Anyway, I don’t want a big fancy career. I mean, yeah, it would be good to be rolling in money but if I have to torture myself to get there then, no, I’m not interested. I want to write and design, draw, act, sing; I have so much trouble expressing myself to people that I just want to dedicate my life to putting myself out there in pieces that people can enjoy and saying ‘yeah, thats me’. I want to learn languages and then travel to the country. I’m going to be that one person whose enrolled in classes for photography and life art. Yes, I live in my own little controlled box of a world but its given me plenty of options.

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