The first of the month!

Its the first of the month everyone! Right now if you go onto pro-ana forums and message boards you’ll find an overwhelming amount of posts dedicated to June Goals. My goals for every month are roughly the same- Don’t purge, don’t binge. Since the two are joined at the metaphorical hip if I fuck up one I’ve fucked up the other. I never ever complete these goals so I’m not going to say I will this time when I know damn well I won’t.

Its 20 days until I go now. I’m more than excited. I’m going home (even if it is only for 18 days) so my only goal for this month is to not die or be hospitalised before that date (or in the 18 days I’m there). After that my goal is…not to die? I wonder if I could fast, or at least liquid fast, for the next 20 days with out fucking up those goals? I’m going to fast at least 3 times a week on just low cal liquids but a full 20 days of undetected fasting- Is that even possible for me? I guess I could try and find out.

I haven’t eaten yet today. Pretty confident, as I usually am, that I’ll make it through the day- the next couple of days -on low-cal liquids. Day 4 I might branch out into some soups, maybe a little yoghurt then another day of fasting and if I can pull it off I’ll fast on the Saturday too. I have these ‘zones’, as my counciler tells me, where I can just not eat for days and then other times I’ll just eat my little heart out and then throw it up in the toilet within a space of 15 mintues. I hate those days the most. You should see how thin my teeth look, I’ve got zip enamel left on them and today my gum started bleeding for no reason. Thinking back on it, if I had given more thought to purging and the consequences of it before it could so bad I probably would have treated it alot more seriously when it wasn’t such a frequent thing but now that my teeth are beyond repair (enamel does not come back- remember that before you purge everyone) I’ve gone on to think “well fuck it, stopping isn’t going to save me now” and that is why purging is such a hard habit to kick. I highly recommend not taking it up. No, that does not make me a hypocrite- I wouldn’t lecture you if you did.

Anyway, expect a few more updates today, I’m bored half to death. Unfortuantley not starving half to death…yet.

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