Relationships.

I’m extremely anti-social, I’ve been told this most of my life. I’m about as open as a bank vault. I don’t trust people, I can barely trust myself, why would I let them see me as I really am? A boyfriend is asking for trouble, friendships have been trouble. I spend most of my time pinching the fat on my thighs and sucking in my stomach, I can’t do that and please other people (especially since most people consider this insane). I hate myself. There you go, thats the problem. I don’t think being the thinnest person in the room will make people like me more but I’ve brain washed myself enough to make me think I’ll like myself more and when I like myself I won’t care so much when other people don’t like me.

Confidence is key they say but when you’ve no confidence at all you end up locked out the house, watching through the window until someone realises you haven’t come home. Hopefully by that time you haven’t starved to death. See, I haven’t got my key so I’m looking for the spare and I’m pretty sure its under the mat other wise known as an eating disorder. Or at least thats what I thought, by the time I realised it wasn’t it was too late.

I spent so long looking for this ‘key’ that we actually moved house and I didn’t even realise it (wow, this is some enalogy, right?). Now I have nothing left but this key aka eating disorder and I just can’t bare to let it go. What I’m very poorly trying to say is I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be the sort of person everyone would like (myself included) that everyone who I was trying to impress has moved on and I’m left here with my eating disorder and no one and nothing to turn to. I’m not the sort of person I wanted to be and I don’t see anyone liking this person, the one whose biggest mission in life is to starve herself into an early grave. I really don’t try with people anymore. My best relationships come in book form and I’ve learned to live with that. I probably won’t have a boyfriend for a long time, and I’ll probably meet this person the day before I die when I realise I had nothing to lose in just being myself because that is just another one of lifes cruel jokes.

No, I was not broken when this began but I am now. Its such a shame too, I probably had so much potential, I mean just look at that brilliant analogy for confidence in realation to relationships…

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