I might be insane but it blocks the pain.

I’m back from my appointment with the psychologist. No, not a counciler. I was lied to or Mum, who made the appointment, got mixed up and booked something with the wrong someone. I don’t know, but basically I just got told my entire out look on life is wrong. Here’s what I’m looking at- Depression, anxiety, OCD and an eating disorder (obviously). The prospect of medication is high but I’d really like to avoid it because I don’t want to become dependant on it. She thinks I need to see a psychatrist and a dietician would be wise. I said no to the dietician straight away, I don’t need someone else telling me what and when to eat- thats all I have.

Other than all that though she was actually really nice, alot diffrent to how I thought she would be (tall, thin, icy and stuck up). I’m seeing her again next Thursday and she wants me to keep a journal of everything I eat (how it tastes, how it feels, smells, makes me feel etc) and what I do during the day, what I think about it and how I feel doing it. Basically I’m going to have to live with this diary.

I’ve been given these new rules for eating. I have to be sitting somewhere, eating off a plate with no TV, nothing distracting, and I have to think about the food (even more than I already do). Its going to be weird. I don’t really…savour food. I just eat it, be done with it and forget it happened and now I have to actually think about it for reasons other than calories. I’ve no idea how I’m going to go, I could end up eating less than I already do because of sheer reluctance to think about it and the fact that I was too weak to not eat.

Speaking of which, day 2 of fasting over. Kind of embaressing, my stomach started growling while I was in there. I’d been drinking so much before though, just to avoid the hunger, that it sounded more like my stomach was drowning. I guess it doesn’t matter all that much, I didn’t going in there lying and claiming that I was a good eater, that I had no problem. I told her I starve, I purge, I binge. She asked me if I wanted to stop and I said one day but right now, I feel like I have so much work to do.

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