You will burn in hell they say.

I’ve started wearing a rosary. No, I’m not particularly religious but I’m not so bold- or foolish -to reject god. Especially now, when I need something to believe in.

My faith has always been internally debated. Do I? Don’t I? Why should I even care? The fact that I’ve never been who I wanted to be made me question him. If you’re so loving father, then why do you let me feel this way? Why, when I begged to sleep forever, did you let me see the sun? I don’t hate you but sometimes I do resent you.

I spent countless sleepless night contemplating you. I decided you were some big child playing a dangerous game. You were an alien conducting cruel experiments with fragile lives you could easily replace. You were anything but gracious and sympathetic- You had left me here to suffer.

Maybe this suffering is a test though. How deserving of your love am I anyway? What have I ever done to be in your good graces? This disease is my test, yes? No? You just have to let me know because leaving me to figure this out myself isn’t really cementing my belief in you.

I’ve started wearing my rosary again in hopes you’ll see me, maybe even save me. I’m asking for anything, an angel with a message or a mormon with a pamphlet- just help me see what I’m finding harder and harder to believe.

()