4th day in the “fast” lane?

2nd day in a row my weight has stayed the same. I’m really starting to get depressed. I’ve obviously hit a plataoe and one of the most effective ways to fight one of those is to do the thing I’ve been avoiding for 3 fucking days. So now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place- to eat or not to eat? That is always the question.

I’m really reluctant too because I don’t really feel like eating but if I haven’t lost weight tomorrow I might actually cry…or worse still, cut (which I haven’t done in the longest time). I’d exercise but this is now my 4th day of starving, I’m really pushed for energy right now.

I can’t even begin to describe this frustration. I suppose if you’re in my boat you’d get it but if you’re not, if an eating disorder is not your struggle, then I don’t know what to compare it to. Perhaps having to choose between the lives of your mother and father? No, I don’t think thats too extreme- that may even be a bit tame for it.

What this feels like is something clawing its way out through your chest. You can hear its dirty little hands on your ribs like nails on a chalk board, its jagged teeth nawing on your lungs- its eating you alive this feeling and you’re not sure how to stop it. You feel sick to your stomach because it squirming around inside you, feeding off your body like a parasite. This is not extreme, this is the truth. The idea of eating, whether it be for weight loss (oxymoron?) or not its still this battle in side your body, your entire body, not just your head. Your body wants food, your head doesn’t and somewhere inbetween is that fear and guilt.

I need permission to eat. Seriously, I need someone to come to me right now, look me in the eyes and say “Sarah, you’re allowed to eat.” and then I won’t have to feel so guilty. Sure I still will, afterwards I’ll keep scorning myself because I “definaltey could have gone another hour” but I’ll have the argument “I was told I could- Its not as bad, I wasn’t eating to be greedy”.

Whats worse is, if I’m not at least being close to my original weight target for the 20th of this month I don’t think I’m going to be able to get on that plane. Seriously, thats what this disorder does to you. Everything is put on hold for it.

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