I’m not right but I’m too good to be wrong.

Firstly, didn’t fast yesterday. I am very depressed about that but I’m trying hard not to dwell on the fact. I have been fasting today and still am but I’m giving serious thought to just fasting for today and then restricting for the rest of the week. This might boost my metabolism and avoid another weekend binge where I have to go jean shopping- again.

I’ve also decided to scrap the June 20th weight goal. I’m finding myself obsessing over it so much so that I’m considering canceling my flight just because its doesn’t seem possible. My metabolism is shot, it has walked off a cliff and been skeward on the stalegmites below with no chance of walking it off. How else do you explain weight gain after 5 days of fasting???

Anyway, I’ve decided to just aim to not gain any weight while I’m on my trip. So whatever it is I weigh when I leave (hopefully less than I do right now, but we’ll see) I have to weigh that or less when I get back. I could very well weigh less. My very best friend, who I’m staying with, knows that since my recovery a year ago I’ve been having a problem with bulemia. I’ve given her specific instructions to stop me eating when I start to binge. So if she see’s me getting up for food more than once in half an hour she’s to take the food off me and lock me in a room for an hour while the urge dies down. Okay, perhaps not lock me in a room but she’s certainly to take the food off me. She’s agreed, she’s sympathetic. She watched me cry from hunger back in the day where my idea of a meal was 70cals worth of fat free yoghurt. She knows how it just takes over.

At the moment Mum and I are both ill. Her worse than me but I expect to get worse. She’s in bed going through hot and cold spells, shivering one minute and burning up the next. I’m just coughing and sneezing and fighting a head ache. I’m well enough to be looking after her, which I don’t mind. While she’s sleeping I’m sitting in the front room typing this and watching independance day (one of my favorite movies). I should be typing up the journal I was suppose to be keeping for the psychologist but I just can’t bare to tell her I binge purged all weekend. Thats just embaressing. Its one thing her knowing I purge but to see how much I eat…her eyes may just fall out of there sockets.

Anyway, do ya’ll think I should keep fasting or just restrict to less than 500cals?

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