The Game.

Okay, now I’m not meaning to imply that an eating disorder is one big game but there is a huge level of competitiveness involved. It doesn’t take a genious to see that. I will admit right here, right now that I am very competitive. Perhaps thats why I’m not “involved” in any pro-ana forums/commuities that have group fasts and “Ana Boot Camp” (Refer to impossible in the dictionary for more information). It would most definatley bring out the very worst side of me.

Its definatley not that we are in love with our eating disorders and want to prove to everyone else how un-worthy they are to have one (or at least not in my case). I do it because I want to prove how worthy I am of having this disorder. Its kind of twisted in that “you had to be there” sort of way. Its hard to explain but, in my case, its like…like holding your breath, yeah? To see who is the best because you want to be the best. Holding your breathe is a stupid thing to be good at, right? So being the best is pointless but you still want to be the best and you can’t really explain it- its just a yearning you have, to be the best at holding your breathe.

Well, for me, its the same kind of thing with the eating disorder. When I see someone has eaten 500cals on a particular day then I push harder to eat less than that even though that person will never know I ate less than them I still get the satisfaction of knowing “I did better that round”. See? Its as stupid as holding your breathe but you still feel proud at the end (depite the risk of brain damage).

I think this is why “pro-ana” is such a dangerous thing. I shouldn’t really bad mouth them. Their theory is top notch- reach out and bring together people who are v. misunderstood in society and let them comminicate amoungst their own kin safely. What they forgot was how competitive this business is, and trust me, it really is.

When an anorexic/bulemic encourages someone else to get better, to seek recovery, what they’re really thinking is “Get out the game! Thats one more out the competition”. This is not a joke. I’m thinking it all the time. Heck, when a friend tells me they’re going on a diet I start to panic and live of green tea until I see them eat a pack of chips. This is serious business. We want to be the best.

I for instance feel unfulfiled in all other areas of my life. I don’t see myself sucseding  in any way other than being skinny and so I’m insanely competitive. I want everyone in the world to be cured of this affliction so I can be the only one left and I am the best. Sure, dying but the best. This is as honest as you can get. Not many people with an eating disorder want to admit this but we are constantly pushing to be better than the rest and live to brag about it.

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