Thin as a Dime

Confidence is nothing like modesty.

Confidence is one thing I’ve been able to hide behind most of my life. Its a good a defense as any. I’m not an honestly confident person but I’ve seen it enough to know how to replicate it. The trip to faking confidence is saying you’re confident, act like an egomaniac and no one has any reason to doubt you. It doesn’t help you win any popularity contests but I’ve never had a problem with that because I’m not so much a people person.

In my life there has only been one person to call me up on my sherade and thats my aunt. A person with actual confidence and maybe thats why she was able to tell because, seriously, who these days has real confidence? I remember it quiet clearly, I was speachless when she said it and I’m glad the people around us were talking so much they couldn’t hear the comment. She told me she knows I pretend to be confident so people won’t ask and I said “Ask about what?” and she shrugged and said “Thats what I’d like to know, what don’t you have to be confident about?” Its a fair question really- its a fair question to ask anybody with paralysing insecurities.

If we’re all painfully aware that everyone has hang ups then why do we consider our selves any less important than those people? Why do we, somehow, get landed with the very worst hangups? We’re all diffrent, unique if you will, its something we’re reminded of every moment of everyday and yet for some reason we have it in our heads we’re all meant to look this one way. This is a truth for everyone out there, not just people with eating disorders.

I personally can not think of a worse fate than looking like me but I’ve been told more than a handful of times how “lucky” I am to look like me, to be tall, to be “slim”, to have blue eyes, long fingers, shapley legs. I see myself like this- gangly, pudgy and soft, small eyes, bony/wrinkly fingers and jiggly scarred legs. Even in our best qualities we find fault. Confidence is not something we’re really taught at a young age- being modest and humble is something forced onto us that by the time the life lesson of confidence comes around we’re too brain washed to use it, instead we mix being humble and confident together and begin focusing our attention on making other people see their beauty, to embrace their bodies.

I wonder if the cycle were turned on its head and we were taught to brag about our good parts from a young age, when people don’t really care if you think you have the best legs in the state, and taught to be humble later on when being reserved and modest is sometimes very valuable that, maybe, alot more people would be better adjusted and more accepting of their bodies.

In my head this whole rant makes sense but I guess thats up to everyone who reads it. I just think we’re taught some things too late in life, things like how to love yourself (excuse the cliche). Besides that- down 1.1lbs today and finished my eating with 421 calories.